Suburbia, the refuge of the middle class city dweller that finally has fought their way up the dung heap of life to the point that he can finally own a little piece of the pie, and get out of the urban apartment. Or maybe you are leaving the house in the city built so close to your neighbor that you split the cable bill with him because the his TV is closer to your couch than your kitchen is. So you have your house in suburbia to get away from it all and can do what you want in privacy, raise your kids or just live in a nice neighborhood with friendly neighbors and ... but wait, you discover that this is not the case.
The myth is shattered and you discover that where you have really moved is the land of high anxiety and paranoia where everyone is watching everyone else's every move. Your coming and going, time and date is duly recorded by several neighbors who will ask snidely during their morning stroll, "Where were YOU off to at 11:00 PM last night?" Retirees with nothing better to do patrol the street looking for any infringement, such as yard wall a few inches over the 6 foot legal maximum, or some minor alteration to the landscaping out of step with the city ordinance ... "Did you get a building permit to install that barbecue pad in your back yard?"
Then there are the secret police. These people are not the real police. They are the private policing companies that are hired to enforce the laws that the real police wish to God, hell, the Governor or anyone else who they think they could appeal to, didn't exist. These are the laws that say things like, it is illegal to smoke (tobacco people! nothing else) in your back yard if your yard is within 20 yards of your neighbors house. Or it is illegal to change the oil of your car in your driveway. Or it is illegal to hang your laundry outside to dry. Or you can't have a concrete barbecue pad under your grill. These are the complaints that make the real police want to choke citizens to death. So the secret suburban police are born.
You are given your card with the anonymous tip line to turn in these lawless perpetrators that dare to smoke outside in their own yard while grilling a burger over a concrete pad. Your identity as a squealer will be protected so you can go around being a neighborhood pain in the ass with complete impunity.
I thankfully live in a developing area that does not yet have endless houses and regulations yet. I have 5 empty lots around me, and if i could afford it, I would buy them to keep the Suburban Nazis away from me. I also have a 6ft. brick wall around my back yard, in the interest of good relations with any future neighbors. Never the less, there is a retiree that has measured my wall several times, "Just making sure" that it is not over the 6ft. legal limit prescribed by my county building inspector. After the 5th or so time, it is still within regulations.
Maybe next week that bad boy will grow an inch or two so he can use that tip line.
3 comments:
I think you should line up exotic beer cans on top of the fence. Call it "art". Maybe interspersed with shards of colored glass so it will catch the sunlight.
I understand your feelings, Homeowners Associations are raging here. Flyers appear at our door noting the next meeting and the drive to clean up the neighborhood.
Yesterday I drove by the middle school, and as kids do, there were some smoking about a block from the school. This woman in a mommy van drove by and damned near clipped my car because she was taking pictures of these kids!
Throws "drive by shooting" to a new level! What is she going to do with pictures? Suburban Nazis are every where!
'maybe that bad boy will grow and inch or two?' God did i laugh at that!! I like the beer can idea. Or grow a really obnoxious vine that will creep over to his side. If i think of anything else, i will post it. He must not prevail!
I am working on those vines. Unfortunately the sun keeps killing them back.
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